also,

i have been thinking a lot about what i want to do.
right now it is working as the assistant for the women's studies department. then i hope for an internship with the ciee program in thailand.
and i really really want that internship--- but a friend of mine (who i thought would totally get it) applied and didnt get it---what if i dont get it? its been my unofficial plan-- i would be devastated.

and what about after that? what about grad school?
right now i am thinking about public health or social work or both or one with gender studies. but i dont know-- what do i want?

right now i am feel really passionate about working with the informal work sector. i dont know-- i still get all worked up when i think about the sex industry- but also when i think about informal waste collectors. maybe social work would be good for working with sex workers and maybe public health for informal waste collectors? i dont know...

but you know, for the first time ever i am starting to think that ambition isnt really a dirty word, and maybe i shouldnt be afraid of pushing myself and moving forward to doing things i really want to do.

its weird though because the more you put yourself out there the more you have a chance of being rejected and failing. and i really hate that.

i wasnt always the best student, and what if i dont even make it into grad school?

i just dont know... what to do. what to want. what to work towards.
i just feel a little bit stuck and crazy.

also,

http://www.economist.com/displayStory.cfm?story_id=10486622

i want to read a lot of michael foucault this summer. i want to read so many things. i want this read this book i started reading in thailand called we made the road by walking and its conversations between myles horton and paulo freire about education and social change.

macon is leaving so i feel like all out ideas and hopes for that program at the nrc now is all on me. will i follow through or will i fuck up? its hard to say.

i am going to the annual engage conference in spartanburgh, south carolina next weekend. i am very excited to go and discuss ideas and to see all of the interns and fellow students from thailand. i miss them dearly. i honestly tear up most times i think about thailand. i cant help but think i made a mistake by not going back this year. i feel like i am so much more motivated and excited and creative there. like i cant do any of the things i want to here. do you know what i mean?

oh well i guess this year is a test if i will dream things and follow through with them... or not.