most people are racist.

this has got to be one of the most fucked up racist websites ever

http://www.daylaborers.org/

"Some of the most violent murderers, rapists, and child molesters, are illegal aliens who work as day laborers."


i think even a lot of my family is a little racist. not so obviously racist, but more subtly racist-- like they dont even know it. like when they try to do impressions of people of color that they see on tv. "why do they talk like that" they ask and giggle. and they think its totally harmless -- but what they are really saying is "they dont sound like us"

what does it mean to have a southern accent? what does it mean to have a new jersey accent? and what about black vernacular and the history behind it?
what if you dont sound like educated white america? where does that put you?

also,

i have been thinking a lot about what i want to do.
right now it is working as the assistant for the women's studies department. then i hope for an internship with the ciee program in thailand.
and i really really want that internship--- but a friend of mine (who i thought would totally get it) applied and didnt get it---what if i dont get it? its been my unofficial plan-- i would be devastated.

and what about after that? what about grad school?
right now i am thinking about public health or social work or both or one with gender studies. but i dont know-- what do i want?

right now i am feel really passionate about working with the informal work sector. i dont know-- i still get all worked up when i think about the sex industry- but also when i think about informal waste collectors. maybe social work would be good for working with sex workers and maybe public health for informal waste collectors? i dont know...

but you know, for the first time ever i am starting to think that ambition isnt really a dirty word, and maybe i shouldnt be afraid of pushing myself and moving forward to doing things i really want to do.

its weird though because the more you put yourself out there the more you have a chance of being rejected and failing. and i really hate that.

i wasnt always the best student, and what if i dont even make it into grad school?

i just dont know... what to do. what to want. what to work towards.
i just feel a little bit stuck and crazy.

also,

http://www.economist.com/displayStory.cfm?story_id=10486622

i want to read a lot of michael foucault this summer. i want to read so many things. i want this read this book i started reading in thailand called we made the road by walking and its conversations between myles horton and paulo freire about education and social change.

macon is leaving so i feel like all out ideas and hopes for that program at the nrc now is all on me. will i follow through or will i fuck up? its hard to say.

i am going to the annual engage conference in spartanburgh, south carolina next weekend. i am very excited to go and discuss ideas and to see all of the interns and fellow students from thailand. i miss them dearly. i honestly tear up most times i think about thailand. i cant help but think i made a mistake by not going back this year. i feel like i am so much more motivated and excited and creative there. like i cant do any of the things i want to here. do you know what i mean?

oh well i guess this year is a test if i will dream things and follow through with them... or not.

i got b's in the only two classes i took this semester. it didnt matter to me until just now. i feel like a broke ass.

im pretty hung over right now and i wish i couldnt hear brians weasely laugh.
lastnight was emilys bday party and i drank too much and was too loud. i dont know how to keep it classy.

i also want to learn more about vitamins and nutrition.

word.